Ben

Last night, after I got home from being at my parents house all day, my sister called. She waited until I had driven home and put my kiddies to bed. Bad news. Our family dog, Ben, was hit by a car. It clipped him in the head, and he died. Initially I was relieved, as odd as that sounds, because when she said we had bad news, I automatically thought of my brothers new baby, or my other brothers baby that is due any day...and thought the worst. But within a few minutes, the sadness of the news set in. We have had Ben for about 12 years. 11 and a half, I think. We hadnt had a dog for a long time, and one Christmas, we went down to my Grandmas house for the holidays. My parents surprised us with a puppy. He was tiny (fit in a mandarine orange box) and white a fluffy and SO cute. He has been the absolute best dog. He is so low maintenance and has such funny quirks. My sister and I reminisced for a few minutes over the phone.

We remembered that he always chose to crunch down on his dinner when we would sit down for prayers. Everything was so quiet and reverant, and then you would hear this *crunch, crunch, crunch*. Weirdo.

We remembered his little bottom fang tooth that stuck out of his lip all the time.

We remembered his little snort.

We remembered how he would run around the house like a crazy dog whenever he got his haircut...as if he was seeing the world for the first time.

We remembered how he would always try to act like super-dog and leap up the front steps, but often misjudged and would crash into the step.

We remembered how he would follow people around the house, just to sit in the same room as them, because he didnt like being alone.

We remembered how when Tyler and I lived with my parents while I was pregnant with Lucy, all of my nesting energy was geared towards him. I would put blankets on him while he was sleeping and take him for walks everyday. He was my first baby.

The night we brought him home, he whined really loud, so my brother insisted he sleep in the basement in his kennel. I snuck downstairs and slept beside him on the basement floor because I didnt want him to be alone.

He was getting pretty old, and didnt have much energy anymore. He spent most of his time sleeping and going outside to pee every 5 minutes!

I havent told my kids yet. I am not sure how to broach the subject. They liked him, but didnt spend much time with him, since he was pretty old by the time they came into the picutre. We are planning to have a memorial or something. I think we will bury him out here. It makes me feel really sad that his death was so sudden and unexpected. I think everyone is feeling the same way.

As I was at my parents house yesterday and my kids were at the zoo and Logan was sleeping, I laid on the floor with an icepak under my back. Ben laid on the floor abou arms distance away. I thought to myself, I should invite him to come cuddle with me, but instead I just reached out and patted his head. I wish I had...inspite of his stinky breath. He had the worst breath.

And it was weird how I felt reminiscent towards him yesterday...as if something was telling me to say goodbye. After I iced my back I got up and went to the den to use the computer and post my previous post. Ben followed me, because he just likes to be around people, even when he is sleeping.

Tyler and I are not pet people. We have both agreed that we do not want a dog. Or a cat. But I have always had a special place for my Ben. We always laughed that he was the same color as my parents carpet and often people would trip over him because we didnt notice he was there. He was always the first one to greet you when you got to Grandmas house, and he would follow you outside when you were leaving, as if to say goodbye and come again.

I suppose it is better that he didnt suffer through some sickness and we didnt have to make that awful drive to the vet to get him put to sleep, but a little heads up so we could say goodbye would have been nice. I guess I should have been listening better.

I love that Benny and I will miss him. I imagine it will hit me a few more times. Like the next time I arrive at my parents and he is not there. Or when I notice his food and water dish missing.

When I called Tyler to tell him what had happened, I was crying and he didnt understand what I was saying. He thought I said, *the van was hit by a car* and then when I told him *he is gone* he thought I was referring to the driver of the other vehicle...so he was relieved to find out it was the dog too.

This post is scrambled. So is my mind. I dreamt last night that my sisters and I were getting into my van to go somewhere, and all of a sudden Ben popped up from the back. He had some scratches, but was fine. It surprised me, because my dream previous to that was completely unrelated.

I miss my Benny already.