I am at home right now. It is Sunday morning at 10am. My ward is starting at this moment. I should be at church, but I am at home. Tyler and I have been fighting colds all week, and basically my prayers have consisted of the usual, plus an extra plea that my kids would not catch what we've got. That Tyler and I would deal with it happily, just please, PLEASE let my kids stay healthy. Well, I'm at home. I'm at home because I was up ALL NIGHT with a sick baby. And I just don't get it. I mean, I know it was highly likely that he would get sick too. Almost guaranteed, since he spends so much time with me...and we share a room. How could it be avoided? I just hoped (and hoped that my hope translated to enough faith) that he wouldn't. But he has. And now I'm sitting here thinking to myself, what am I doing wrong? Where is my faith lacking? Maybe just in asking that question, the answer is there. Maybe I don't REALLY understand faith. I prayed and prayed all week that we would at least be well enough by Sunday that I could go to church and take the sacrament and be renewed...because I NEED it. But I am at home. I missed the baby shower this week that I wanted to go to. We missed the ward party on Friday night. I stayed home on those d ays in the hopes that the extra rest would mean that at least I would get to go to church on Sunday. Fortunately, my kids and my husband are there...and that's good. Should I have dragged a coughing, sniffling, cranky 6-month old to church anyway, and fought with him to get him to sleep somewhat in the crowds? And pace the hallways with him instead of being in class because he's too cranky, which equates to noisy, for me to be in there? Would that have proven my faith? Would that make a difference? And I know someone with more faith would probably say, Heather, it doesn't work that way. But I guess I'm just confused as to how it DOES work. I feel like I deal with a lot. And I take it on because I know I'm supposed to be learning something. I know that I don't always take it on with the best attitude. In fact, a lot of times I don't. This is a dark place and it's hard to see in the dark. But I was just kind of hoping that I could have some of these tiny miracles to help get me through. I was even incredibly patient all night as I sat and rocked my baby for hours, trying to help him breath and sleep. I felt bad for him. I truly did. Not just bad for myself that I had to deal with this, but actually bad for him that he was feeling this way. And yet, here I sit. Typing on my blog when I REALLY, REALLY want to be in sacrament meeting, feeding my soul. I hunger for it so badly. I hunger for a better place. I get frustrated when I pace the halls at church and I see people sitting out there who COULD be in class and just don't go. How I would love to be in their shoes. Of course, I try not to think that way, because I have no idea what's it's like to be in their shoes...and if anyone would say to me, I would LOVE to be in your shoes...I'd be hurt and frustrated that they think my life is so easy.
Anyway, I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I DO know that. I guess I'm just unsure of why, every once in a while, the blessings that I ask for aren't the ones I can receive. I know he blesses me abundantly, and I'm grateful, and should be MORE grateful. But is a tiny miracle like a healthy baby too much to ask? I don't mean this angrily or bitterly, I'm genuinely asking the question...is it too much to ask?
1 comment:
Oh, dear sister, I have soooo been where you have been. I would be frustrated and angry because all the things I was asking for were righteous desires, so why not give me the blessings I need so much to carry on??? Well, I've learn something, and it's taken me a looong time to figure this out, so let me tell you and see if it helps at all, and then you can go on to be the stronger, more faithful sister that I know you are.
It is great to have those desires, to want and seek after righteousness, to want your sweet baby to be spared from suffering, even if it's from a cold. But that's not the purpose of mortality. It is to have a physical body, with all it's inborn weaknesses, to temptation and disease. It's part of being here for little Logan.
And for you, faith.... HF is wanting the opportunity to prove to you that He will sustain you through the week, EVEN THOUGH you did not make it to your church meetings. Will you have the faith to believe that He will.... that is the test.... much like my test is not that my house will sell, but that will I have the faith that somehow my financial needs will be met anyways until... He knows your heart, He will bless you for all of those righteous desires. Hang on, you're doing SOOO much better than you think you are. Much love to you, my dear sister :)
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