Forged

Last week we had the missionaries over for dinner and they shared a message with us on Service. "When you are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of your God." We talked about this for a bit, and the comment was made that, although we don't understand how it is possible, as we serve others we grow to love them more. It was followed up by saying, if you don't love someone, or even like them, it's probably because you don't REALLY know them. I followed this comment up with one of my own. It seems to me as I serve my children, this always happens. True, I get tired, and frustrated, but the more time I spend doing things FOR them, the more I love them. I also commented that the Savior, of course, gave the ultimate service to us and therefore his love for us is ultimate. But his service was not just in that one moment on the cross, or in Gethsemane. He has been serving us for eternity. That's why he loves us...and knows us so well. I've been able to think on this concept all week. And last night I had a glimpse. A slice of heavenly wisdom. A small slice, but I enjoyed every bit.
As I was typing my last post about Logan, I was able to think back a bit on how I struggled when my Max was a baby. How things seemed eternally hard, but I just kept pressing forward, hoping it would be better one day. I cried and groaned and growled and prayed over this baby. Not that he was especially difficult. In fact, I imagine he was quite normal, but my experience with an angel baby previous to him had left me with the wrong impression of babies. And adding PPD to that, just made things multiply. I would cry out in frustration and feel anxiety and animosity and fear toward my baby. How could I love something that came out of me SO little? I just prayed that the joy would come...someday.
Well, I am happy (actually, that's not a strong enough word. I am elated...joyful...blissful) to report that it did. I have struggled through everything with Max. I have struggled to have him eat, sleep, play, share, not fight, not growl, not bite, not scratch, not push...etc, etc, etc. I have struggled to put away my selfish desires of who I thought he should be, and accept him for who he is. And it turns out, he's pretty great. And through all of that, I have grown to know him better than I think I know any other person in existence. There is no other person on this earth that I have invested SO MUCH of myself into...or that I have taken the time (mostly because it was demanded of me) to figure it out. Or that I have prayed SO earnestly about on a constant basis just so I could survive. And I love him. One day, the frustration of the day to day turned into a sense of normal and then all of a sudden the frustration turned into...peace. And I look at my little bug and I think to myself that there is nothing he does that surprises me anymore. I still get disappointed. I still get frustrated. Sometimes I still pull my hair out. I still have moments when I am tired and don't handle things very well (because I'm human), but I love that boy more than anything I could describe. And I attribute that completely to how much I have invested in our relationship. As I serve him, I grow to love him. And I have also grown to KNOW him, which makes it really easy to love him. I know where he's coming from. I understand what motivates him, what drives him, what bugs him, and who he really is. I am grateful that my Savior gave me this experience. When Lucy was born, I thought to myself, "I have so much to teach you." and as each of my boys were born, I had a very distinct impression that they were here to teach me. I know Max is only 3 years old, but I feel like we've already been through the refiners fire. We've been forged together. I'm a bit concerned that this incredible love I feel for him will come to a test at some later date, but it is what it is.
Now, my biggest hope? That I will feel the same way about Logan some day too.