Combining a seriously structured, schedule-nazi (as my sister calls me), organized personality with post-partum depression is a serious failure on all fronts. My mind wants my house to be clean and organized and everybody doing things at certain, predictable times. My exhaustion and frustration and overwhelming sense of...pressure, loss, chaos...makes it difficult to be the person I really want to be. That, and a lack of sleep which keeps my body run-down all the time, really doesn't help. My house is a disgusting display of what my insides feel like. Garbage everywhere. Nothing where it's supposed to be. It really is shameful. It's not the way I was raised. It's not the way I like my house to be. Cleanliness is next to Godliness, and I believe that, wholeheartedly. When my house is clean, I feel light. I feel like I can see up...if that makes any sense. I feel like I can accomplish anything (mostly because I already have accomplished a lot) and I feel like I can take on anything. When my house is messy, I feel like I have a visor on. My eye-lids feel dark and heavy over my eyes and everything above me seems foggy. Like there's a hand shielding my eyes and I can't get it to go away. I walk around in a daze and look around and just feel the frustration mounting. My kids are existing, but not really thriving. Not really living. I'm on edge, or they're on edge, or we're all just on the verge...of something.
If anyway was to show up at my house, unannounced, I would be terrified and embarrassed. Because this is a reflection of my life right now, and it is not good. I'm a blogging this because this is my journal. It is not a cry for help, because I don't want it right now. It's not a plea for sympathy, because I don't want that either. Everyone's got their stuff, and mine is no harder than anyone elses. It's just mine. But maybe a bit of understanding that I'm not always up for going out and about. I'm a planner and not very good at spontaneous. Maybe you'll understand why I don't always answer the phone. Or if I come to visit and then leave quickly. Or don't come at all. Most of the time I am doing everything that I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually capable of at that time, and taking on anything else, even a phone call, is just too much. My family is the most important thing to me, and so spending my energy in other places just doesn't make sense right now, because that will take away energy that I have for them. And my energy is limited.
I know things will get better, because they have before. This is not forever. And everyone reminds me of that. It's a long string of hours and days and weeks that make up this year, but this year will pass and I'll be on to new things, and hopefully I'll be able to recognize the day that things are better, and really appreciate it.
Today is especially hard, because I'm tired. But little glimpses make things better and I treasure those.
4 comments:
I have so been where you are and when I look back at that time I shudder. Honestly, I don't know how I survived. I had a great husband and a wonderful mother and lots of hope that it wouldn't always be that bad. And you are right, it does get better but the waiting can be hard. I found that if I just did one thing more than feed the baby and drag my feet around in my fat pants all day that it helped. Whether it be unload the dishwasher or fold one load of laundry or sit quietly and hold the baby while he slept and NOT let the guilt of my misery or my negligence of the other kids overwhelm me.
I got through it and fortunately due to the lack of sleep I don't remember much now. You will too. I know you know that. Just hold on. All you have to do is hold on.
I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with PPD again. It will get better! If you want to chat, or if I can do anything from down here. . . . Lots of Love!!
I can completely relate to this post in so many ways. Though circumstances may be a bit different, I have felt all you are feeling and just wanted to say I'm sorry it's hard right now. Sleep deprivation SUCKS on top of everything else you HAVE to get done in a day because 3 little people depend on you. Please don't be ashamed of your circumstances. It's one thing to understand all you are going through intellectually but you need to just let yourself feel it emotionally. And if your emotions are overwhelming you to this point A LOT then it might be time to be assessed by an MD to get some balance through medication. I called my mom bawling when Josh was almost a year old because I was SO tired I thought I was going crazy. Literally felt crazy and so anxious I could barely breathe. She took him for the night, I got 8 hours of sleep and the next day I felt like a new woman.
I am EXACTLY the same way with my house too-it reflects how I am doing emotionally at the time. You are not alone! I don't know your circumstances but don't be ashamed to reach out for help when you need it. Because honey-from this post though you say you don't want help or sympathy-YOU NEED HELP. There is nothing wrong with saying you need help and accepting it. I once went and did dishes at one of my VTees homes for 2 1/2 hours because she was completely overwhelmed with life. I saw it as just that-her being overwhelmed-not her being a bad person or mother or housekeeper. Just that she needed help. If anyone were to walk in and judge your home then they should spend a month in your shoes with your emotions and then see how they cope. It doesn't matter that one day you'll be okay-it's that you're not okay NOW and that doesn't need to be pushed aside. You don't have to do it alone. BIG hugs and prayers for you.
I completely understand that place - and it seems to often be a hard 'place' to get out of (especially when the mess and chaos builds to a point that it takes days or weeks to recover from)!
I almost feel like I am watching you go through some of what we went through in our first year of Brielle - the exhaustion just kills you (except you also have 2 older children to love and nurture).
Bottom line - you are not alone!
We will however continue to invite you out and enjoy every second that you are able to offer us! Plus I think that we should have a 'Max day' at our house on one of the days that Lucy is in school - it would be 'win/win' - Brielle gets some much desired playtime with Max and you get a few hours to get your bearings (or take a NAP)!!!
Have I ever told you that I love your blog? Your loving posts inspire me to be a better, more appreciative mom, and your eduring posts remind me that I am not alone in these same struggles.
You are loved.
Post a Comment