The Man

I got my police check done today so I can volunteer at Lucy's school if need be. Showed up with my driver's license and hoped that would be enough. Turns out you need to know your address...your actual address, and when you're rural, it's not an easy thing to know...plus the address of your child's school, plus the teachers name, plus what my tasks will be when I'm volunteering. Can't the police just know all this already? Didn't they know I was coming? Why do I have to be the one to know everything ALL the time?! I was pretty stressed sitting in a barred-off entry way of the police station with three noisy kids. Turns out they're pretty nice. They told me I could phone in my rural address or bring it in later. I guess I still have my fear of authority figures.

Last Day in the Sludge

Last night we went to the Cochrane pool for one last swim before it closes for 3 weeks for maintenance. We met up with my sister Sam, my sister Alison and her two kids, and my sister-in-law Tammy and her two kids. It was kind of an 'end of summer, back-to-school' blow-out. The kids had a really great time swimming with their cousins. Lucy wasn't too pleased when her cousin dunked her under the water because he didn't realize she doesn't like that, but other than that, it was smiles all around. I had a secret too. Last week when we went swimming, Logan slept so peacefully and soundly all night, I was hoping swimming would cause that to happen again. Close, not quite, but close. After we were done, everyone had a back-to-school cookie (sugar cookies with yellow icing and red and blue alphabet sprinkles). Alison and her gang headed home, because she's already started school and is exhausted, and Tammy and her girls came out for some dinner and play-time at our house. It was a great way to end the summer. Only down side? As we left the pool I saw a sign that said: "Pool will be closing for maintenance for 3 weeks" and the maintenance they're doing? Water treatment. Gross. Nothing like being the last ones to swim in the old water before it gets treated. Oh well. Hopefully we don't end up with some weird pool disease.

A Bad Combination

Combining a seriously structured, schedule-nazi (as my sister calls me), organized personality with post-partum depression is a serious failure on all fronts. My mind wants my house to be clean and organized and everybody doing things at certain, predictable times. My exhaustion and frustration and overwhelming sense of...pressure, loss, chaos...makes it difficult to be the person I really want to be. That, and a lack of sleep which keeps my body run-down all the time, really doesn't help. My house is a disgusting display of what my insides feel like. Garbage everywhere. Nothing where it's supposed to be. It really is shameful. It's not the way I was raised. It's not the way I like my house to be. Cleanliness is next to Godliness, and I believe that, wholeheartedly. When my house is clean, I feel light. I feel like I can see up...if that makes any sense. I feel like I can accomplish anything (mostly because I already have accomplished a lot) and I feel like I can take on anything. When my house is messy, I feel like I have a visor on. My eye-lids feel dark and heavy over my eyes and everything above me seems foggy. Like there's a hand shielding my eyes and I can't get it to go away. I walk around in a daze and look around and just feel the frustration mounting. My kids are existing, but not really thriving. Not really living. I'm on edge, or they're on edge, or we're all just on the verge...of something.
If anyway was to show up at my house, unannounced, I would be terrified and embarrassed. Because this is a reflection of my life right now, and it is not good. I'm a blogging this because this is my journal. It is not a cry for help, because I don't want it right now. It's not a plea for sympathy, because I don't want that either. Everyone's got their stuff, and mine is no harder than anyone elses. It's just mine. But maybe a bit of understanding that I'm not always up for going out and about. I'm a planner and not very good at spontaneous. Maybe you'll understand why I don't always answer the phone. Or if I come to visit and then leave quickly. Or don't come at all. Most of the time I am doing everything that I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually capable of at that time, and taking on anything else, even a phone call, is just too much. My family is the most important thing to me, and so spending my energy in other places just doesn't make sense right now, because that will take away energy that I have for them. And my energy is limited.
I know things will get better, because they have before. This is not forever. And everyone reminds me of that. It's a long string of hours and days and weeks that make up this year, but this year will pass and I'll be on to new things, and hopefully I'll be able to recognize the day that things are better, and really appreciate it.
Today is especially hard, because I'm tired. But little glimpses make things better and I treasure those.

Different, but the Same

Today is my anniversary. 7 years. And I've been looking back and remembering. 7 years ago, I was nervous and excited. More excited than nervous though. I woke up very tired, but very motivated to get out of bed. This morning, I woke up very tired, and really wished I could stay in bed, but I had to get ready for church...and on mornings like this, I get up and get ready in the hopes that doing things out of duty will still count towards blessings...so the motivation is still there, but different. Seven years ago, my figure was very different, I had fewer wrinkles, and no gray hair. Today, there are signs of child-bearing and child-raising on every inch of my body. I cover the grays with hair dye...but they're there. And most of the signs of child-raising are in the form of spit-up these days. Most days I feel like we have less money than we did 7 years ago. But for all the things that have changed, and all the things that we don't have, there are a few things that have remained consistent. I still love my husband. But it's different because I love him more. I have less money, but more experience. I have less time, but more love and more joys. I cry a WHOLE lot more now than I ever did, but when I laugh, it's deep down belly laughs that only watching and listening to kids can bring. I enjoy quiet nights at home, rather than being out on the town. My frustrations and stresses seem to be more of an eternal nature. My testimony keeps renewing itself as my circumstances change. My memory is shot, but the things that are important are more firm in my mind.
The only thing that hasn't changed, and I hope will forever remain the same is how sure I am that I married the right person at the right time, in the right place. I am no more sure today than I was on that day 7 years ago...and that consistency makes me calm, which is a place I like to be.

Kids say the Darndest things

Some of the funny things of late:

Max: (pointing to his left arm), this is my extra arm.
Me: Your extra arm?
Max: yeah, if I'm holding something in my arm (his right arm) than I can use my extra arm to pick something else up!

Lucy, while listening to the tune of "Turkey in the Straw" on a baby toy said, "This sounds like barn music."

Enjoy The Show

It's become a bit of a tradition in our family to do weird and goofy things at people's weddings to embarrass ourselves or the couple that's getting married. So Sarah's wedding couldn't be any different. We hemmed and hawed over what to do that would be funny and yet perfectly suited to Sarah. Sarah and her sister Janeen belong to a trio that sing at various events around Cochrane and Calgary. They do a lot of Andrews Sisters music and have choreographed a few 'steps' to go with their singing. Tyler and Jason love to hear their sisters sing, but being brothers, they also like to tease them. Tyler said one day, 'we need to come up with a way to tease Sarah about singing, that doesn't push it too much, so she doesn't think we don't actually like her singing...because we really do.' And then an idea was born. Sarah's favorite movie is "White Christmas" and because she loves to sing so much with her sister Janeen...we though it only appropriate for Jason and Tyler to dress ridiculously and recreate the scene where Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye impersonate the female counterparts in the movie and sing a song called, 'Sisters'.

And, being the wife, I get the pleasure of laughing hysterically while watching these two rehearse.
When it came time to put on the show, the entire Williamson family was in stitches watching these two goof-balls.

I think the Merrill family was wondering what they had gotten themselves into! The best part was the fact that we were able to keep it a secret from everyone, so Sarah and her parent's reactions were the best! Lucy and Max were aware of the practicing so we kept having to remind them to keep it under wraps. At one point, Max was caught walking up to Grandma's house singing, "Heaven, help the mister, who comes between me and my sister!" until Auntie Janeen quieted him down and reminded him it was a secret.
So awesome.

So Far

Well, without a hitch is probably too much to ask for, but here's how our weekend is panning out so far. We went to leave for the mall and discovered that our van wouldn't start...for whatever reason. I groaned in frustration and the loaded the kids up into a different vehicle. As predicted, the mall with 3 kids is not fun. But it was necessary, so we persevered. First of all, the designers of some stores really drive me nuts. I mean, if you are going to a kids clothing store, you would anticipate that the people coming there would have kids, right? And possibly, I don't know, a stroller or shopping cart? But they cram so much stuff into those stores, that it's nearly impossible to navigate. Especially when you're in there with the other half-dozen mothers who decided to do their kids back-to-school shopping on the same afternoon as you, with their strollers as well. And that's the precise same time they decide to have one of those large carts in the middle of the store where some minimum wage employee is standing folding shirts. I get it, it has to get done, but seriously, move out of the way! Plus, I hate those stores that a semi-dark inside so you feel like you're in a cave and the ceiling is black, so you literally feel like someone is PUSHING you down. I can't think straight on a good day, let alone in a crowded store with 3 kids, and they decide to throw in these tricks just for fun. We made it though. With less than half of our shopping list of needs, but we made it. I guess that's to be expected when we're so close to school starting. Things are pretty picked over. Then we headed to Cole's for our book. Again, they have skinny aisles and a book-signing table right at the front of the store, making it nearly impossible for me and my big 3-kid stroller to get into the store without knocking over a book display. (Yes, we almost did). Don't they want people to come IN to the store? The inside of the store was much brighter than the last one though, so I felt like I could stay there forever. Until reality came SCREAMING back into focus. Actually, the screaming came from a baby, but that's my reality.
This sounds like some bizarre pre-agoraphobia setting in, but oh well. That's me.
We drove home, put the screamer to bed, and started reading our new-found I Spy books. Logan woke up early from his nap...who knows why. And so I vented by going outside and trying to get the van going. Gave it a boost (whoo-hoo, who needs a man? just kidding, I really do, and I called my brother-in-law to make sure I did it right), and then fed the baby so we could all go to McD's for some dinner and playing. We opted out of the park and decided to play at McD's instead, since it's so windy. We met up with a friend of Max's and they played together for a while too. Oh, and I picked up 3 chick-flicks. Now which one do I watch first?
I'm exhausted, but the day is almost done.
Tyler called me back at one point (I had called him in my frustration with the van) and I explained that I had gotten things working. I could hear laughing in the background and he was having a jolly old time, which is what he's supposed to be doing, but it makes it hard on the one still at home. I imagine it's much like how he feels when he calls me at ladies night and we're having a riot while he's at home with the kids. Kinda sucks, but I'm glad he's enjoying himself.

Here's Hoping

Tyler is away at Young Men's camp. He left yesterday evening, and will be gone until tomorrow evening. I always have mixed feelings about this time of year. We have been married for 7 years, and I believe he has gone to young men's camp at least 5 out of those 7 years. When I have a baby at home, I find it stressful. I know that I do the majority of the work as far as the baby is concerned (I'm kind of a control freak that way), but I enjoy at least having my husband's supportive company to help me cope. When my kids aren't babies, then I don't stress as much. It actually is a fun time for us to fill our days with exciting things to help the time pass faster. We do zoo trips and visit grandma; watch movies, eat out, etc. One year, I cleaned our entire house top to bottom and did a full de-junk while he was gone. It was pretty great. I don't really feel up to much cleaning this time, and I have to schedule my crammed-in fun activities for my kids around napping schedules, so it's proving to be a bit tough. The countdown is definitely on to a nap-free life. Yesterday evening was fine, and the night went very well. The night-time is the hardest because I feel the most alone. I actually kept my kids up a little later last night so I wouldn't be alone for so long. Plus, I'm always paranoid that my kids will wake in the night and I won't be able to deal. (ie. I'll be dealing with a baby, when another one calls for me). I remember one year, when Max was just a few months old, there was a terrible thunderstorm at night that scared Lucy and made the power go out, so I had to feed a baby in the middle of the night by the light of a coleman lantern. I felt like I was camping too! There was another year that the kids and I had a dance party in my bedroom every night before bed. We turned on awesome tunes and turned it up loud, and everyone had the chance to show off their best moves. Max's little 15-month old dance moves were pretty awesome.
So the plan for this time? Well, I still want to fill up my time so we're not staring at the clock, whilst still sticking to a schedule so we can have peaceful nights. We're going to do some back-to-school shopping for Lucy this afternoon and get a new Walter Wick I Spy book, which my kids totally love. Shopping with 3 kids at the mall is not something that I totally love, but we'll give it a whirl. Then it's back home in time for naps. We'll pick up some dinner in-town this evening and go to the park for a bit (I think) and maybe stop by Blockbuster for a girlie movie for me (it helps me pass the evenings alone and it's the only opportunity I get to watch those types of movies without my husband sitting there mocking them the entire time. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE CHEEZY! He just doesn't get it). Tomorrow I'm not really sure, but we'll find something to do. And here's hoping all my big plans go off without a hitch.

Grown-ups

Yesterday, Tyler had an interview at the Hotchkiss Brain Institute in Calgary. They are looking for a full time Biostatistician starting next year...which he will be. We've known about the position and the interview for a little over a week, and have tried not to dwell on it too much, because we had other things on our minds and filling up our time. The interview went really well. It's pretty much a dream job in a very exciting and relevant field of research. It has all the aspects of a job that Tyler has been looking for, and it just seems weird to be staring down this aspect of our lives now. It's the real deal. A real job. It feels so grown up. I've felt like a grown up for a long time now, as far as parenting and being married is concerned, but we've always been a bit like kids playing house because we've been students for such a long time. And now that long time really seems to be coming to a close. The end is in sight. And with this job offer, it really solidifies the fact that we're not just kids any more. Less than a year and we'll be into a totally new phase of our lives. In our 30s, full-time career...and maybe, just maybe, we'll live in a real house. With a real foundation. And maybe even an upstairs.
Fortunately, our lives have had a pretty great foundation, whether our house did or not.
And our moms will be really happy that the position is in Calgary. So we'll see.

Photo-blog

Here are some of my favorite pics from Sarah and Tyson's wedding. They had an awesome photographer











This gas station is on the way from Cardston to Waterton. Tyson's parents used to go there a lot for Malts while they were dating.
If you want to see more awesome photos, go to:
http://photos.jarviedigital.com/W/2010Canada/Formals-Teaser-Gallery/13388774_QTbFc#973948217_PqfBW

Sharing Time

Last Sunday, Lucy had the opportunity to give a talk in primary. The subject matter was: Jesus Christ is the Son of God and He is a God of Miracles. We talked about her talk for a few days and then sat down to write it on Thursday. I sat with pen and paper in hand, and she basically dictated to me what she wanted to talk about. It started like this: "Lucy, you're talking about Jesus and his miracles, can you think of any of his miracles that you'd like to talk about?" "Well, my family is a miracle." "True, but can you think any of the miracles that he did while he lived on the earth?" "Oh! What about when he put mud on that blind man's eyes and made it so he can see again?!" "Yes, that would be good." So we sat to write and this is what she said, (it ended up being pretty much word for word what she wanted to say, with very little input from me)

Jesus met a man who was blind. He wanted to heal him. Jesus put mud on the blind man's eyes. He told him to go to a river and wash the mud out. When he washed the mud out, he could see. He wasn't blind anymore. The man was healed because he believed in Jesus Christ. This is called faith. If you trust in Jesus and believe Him and do what He says, you can have miracles too because you listened.
One night, I woke up and it was very dark in my room because my nightlight was missing. I said a prayer and Jesus helped me to not feel scared.
He has given me a family which makes me happier than I would be if I was alone.
I believe in Jesus Christ
In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

She was so proud of herself as she sat at the front of the primary room waiting for her turn. She went up to the mic with her dad and basically read the talk herself. Before she got up her primary president sat beside her and asked if she was nervous, and she said, "NO, I'm so excited!"
The best part for me, is the fact that I don't remember ever telling her that story about Jesus, which means she must have learned it in primary, or somewhere similar, but she remembered it and understood it.
She's a great girl. Such a strong understanding and testimony in someone so young.

Grateful

I'm grateful today for a good Sabbath day. I had a lousy night last night and thought about not going to church...that would be justified wouldn't it? Instead I dragged my butt out, and I'm glad I did. Our Bishop shared a few thoughts with us during Priesthood/RS and they made me do a lot of thinking. And then after church, our home teachers came and shared a message about the temple with us. They told us that when their kids turn 12, they try to have some family names ready to take to the temple so their kids can have the experience of doing baptisms for family. I thought it was a great idea. As we were talking about temples, Max walked over to a bin in the kitchen that has some of his dad's young men's stuff and pulled out a Duty to God book with a picture of the Salt Lake Temple on it and showed it to us. I am grateful that the types of materials we happen to have laying around the house are wholesome. Satan would have us believe that someone so young probably isn't paying much attention to his surroundings, so we don't need to be worrying about being careful, but it is quite obvious that he does pay attention. That bin has been in our kitchen for about a week, and we've walked past it repeatedly, and I knew what was in it, but I never thought about the fact that my kids would be paying attention to what was in it. The Bishopric handed out pictures of the Calgary Temple today, and I'm looking forward to hanging them in my kid's rooms and around our house so they can see them often.

Highlights

Well, this has been an amazingly full, fabulous, and frenzied weekend. We have hit a moment of calm, so I thought I'd organize my thoughts a bit. I probably don't have enough time to make a commentary on everything, but I thought I'd at least record some of the high points, in case I don't get another chance for a while. Before I get to that, I will put up the disclaimer that the low point was the fact that my old camera is now also not working, so I didn't get many pictures from the weekend. Seriously! The weekend was celebrated with lots of laughter and tears...some of joy and some of sadness, but all in all, there were smiles around and warm hearts.
So here are a few of the highlights...at least for me:
-Watching Sarah and Tyson being sealed together for time and eternity. It always reminds me of my day, and that's a pretty awesome memory. The sealer had some pretty great words of advise and council for them. One thing he noted was how important the 'sealing' power was. He made it known that a member of the twelve come and sets them apart to the calling, but they always carry a 5x7 card that shows that they have the authority to do so...no questions I guess.
-Hanging in the hotel with Lucy and Max. They love staying in hotels. It's so exciting. It means a little bit less sleep usually, but a lot of fun and laughter.
-Dressing Max in his little 'ring-bearer' suit on Thursday morning. I have to admit I got teary. He looked like a miniature deacon and I loved it.
-Having a family photo outside the temple with my whole family (including Logan Alison! I'll post that picture as soon as I get it)
-chillin out at Valda's in preparation for the family dinner. Lucy, Max and Jacob had an awesome time playing with the balls on the pool table.
-watching Tyler and Jason perform their long awaited lipsynq and dance to the song "Sisters" from White Christmas. It had everyone in stitches, especially Sarah - which was the goal, so score for them.
-Dancing with my Max on the dance floor. He gave me a good long cuddle for about 20 minutes.
-Eating crepes. Seriously, they were delicious.
-Hanging with extended family that we only get to see at these types of events. It was so awesome. And exhausting. Sleep is a rare thing at these types of events.
-Having a good conversation with my husband on the way down to the temple. I like those ones. Talking about genetics verses creation. Deep stuff.
-Watching my kids dance together on the dance floor and Lucy planting a huge kiss on Max's lips half-way through a song.
-Tucking my exhausted kids into bed for the night...ah sleep, perchance to dream!
-Delicious breakfast this morning: oven-cooked bacon is the best.
-watching Sarah and Tyson open their gifts. They just kept coming and coming and coming! Lucy and Max loved being little helpers to carrying in all the presents.
(Our gift to them was a copy of the Proclamation to the World on the Family and the card read: Despite claims to the contrary, this proclamation is not written on the Family, but rather on paper - we are hilarious!)
-Coming home finally and unpacking our suitcase. I love living at home. My own bed, my own shower - which still has yet to welcome me - and no more suitcases!
The festivities went a little long and we missed my Grandma's 80th birthday party, which I was really disappointed about, but a SUPER fussy baby can only handle so much, so we opted for a nap instead. I hope she is forgiving and realizes how much I love her. The rest of the weekend will be spent helping Janeen get ready to leave on Monday for BYU. Tears are still pretty near the surface, so this will be tough.
I'm going to have to snag photos from someone's camera, because I just can't handle the no photo blog.

And they're off...

The week of wedding has begun. Last night was a family BBQ, today is laundry and packing and cleaning my house so I can come back to some form of organized life. Tomorrow is the trip to Cardston. There will be lots to blog about, but when I'll actually find the time, who knows. And how is it my nice new camera could be not working at such a crucial time as this?!

Those 3 Dreaded Words

That time is fast approaching. The time that I have been trying desperately to not think about over the past 5 years, but it's getting pretty hard to ignore. The time where I will have to follow someone else's schedule, besides my own. I will have places to be and people to see on a regular basis (boy this sounds hermit-like). I will have to socialize with people who only have one thing in common with me...my child and their child being in the same class. I will have to start getting my children up at 7:30 in the morning everyday to accommodate the two days a week when it will actually be necessary. But most dreaded of all: I will have to send my beautiful daughter off for two FULL days a week and trust that the person who is teaching her, and comforting her, and acknowledging her existence feels that she is as important as I do...which I know they won't. They can try, but they won't. And I will have to hope and PRAY that she will want to come home and share everything with us so I can be involved. I am her protector. I am her confidante. I am the one who GETS her. And no one else does, quite the same way. I know when to be firm with her, and when to be squishy. I have to pretend that it's exciting and not scary on the first day, so she'll be excited and not scared. On the days she comes home and has had a bad day, I will have to be strong and encourage her to go back and try again, instead of retreating into our own world, like I want. She is the best girl in the world! What if kids tease her? What if they don't like her? What if no one wants to play with her? How do I help her to be ok with that? How do I teach her to be confident but respectful? What if all the kids want to be her friend and then all of a sudden she wants to spend more time with them than me? How do I deal with someone who might have a different teaching approach than I do? What if they don't tailor it to her needs? How can I miss her 'ah-ha' moments when she learns something new and can't come and share her excitement with me right away? How do I explain to her brother that he has to wait 2 years before it's his turn. That's more than half his lifetime.
In a few weeks, my life is going to change forever. Kindergarten.
It's 'Back-To-School' time. blah.
I am excited, however, about back-to-school shopping. That's something I never mind doing. We did a bit today, and I think she's going to be one awesome fashionista. Pictures to come soon.

Fabulous Mother

On Thursday evening, before what was expected to be a very stressful weekend taking 3 kids down to Southern Alberta and living in hotel rooms for 3 days (mostly stressful because of the youngest of the 3) - my sweet and fabulous mother offered to come out and watch my kids for me so I could have a date with my husband...something that hasn't happened in a very long time. Janeen's grad was the last time, I believe - middle of May. So she came by and watched the kids while we went on a awesome and cheap date. Bought some donairs in town, got the movie Clash of the Titans on Blue-ray and then headed to the Kerr's house to watch it on their awesome big-screen. They're on vacation right now and we're house-sitting for them. We also used their massage chair and tanning bed and were home by 9:30...oh what a wonderful mother!

Happy Weekend

We spent the weekend down in Southern Alberta, participating in a full weekend of family events. On Friday evening, we were able to go to the temple with Sarah for the first time and enjoyed watching her participate in that. Janeen, Kari and Barrett were on babysitting duty back at the hotel, and everything went very well...life savers!
On Saturday morning, we got up and checked out of our hotel and headed to the park and a car show before we made the drive to Lethbridge for the remainder of the weekend.

The kids had a blast racing down the slides and checking out the bumblebee car, the Doc Hudson and the mini jeep. There were some pretty sweet cars, and some pretty sweet owners.


Then we headed over to the temple to get a few pictures with the kids and stop at the distribution center.

We also noticed that our owl friend is still making the temple window his home.

We then made the trip to Lethbridge. Upon arriving, we stopped to get gas and didn't realize that we would be stopping for good. The van wouldn't start. We finally diagnosed that it was the starter, and Tyler, Barrett and Scott set out to fix it, while the kids and I jumped into Kari and Barrett's van to get to the hotel and check in. Pain in the butt, but it worked out that it happened on the day when nothing else was going on, so that was a blessing.
The kids went for a dip in the hotel pool and gained a lot of confidence in their swimming skills there, thanks again to Auntie Janeen. With waterwings on, they practiced their floating and swimming, to the point where it was hard to get them out of the pool at 10pm. But they slept gloriously!

Logan even enjoyed a dip in the pool after dinner.

On Sunday, we went to church with Kari and Barrett and enjoyed participating in the blessing of their new baby, Luke. It was a pretty great day. We were all so happy that this miracle baby had finally arrived and is so healthy. Kari is loving being a mom, of course, and can't help but cuddle her baby constantly. Then we had a quick bite to eat back at Kari and Barrett's, before the drive home. And of course, we took the opportunity to take a picture of all the grandkids. We couldn't get them all to look at one camera at once, but at least no one is crying.

(Jacob, Max, Logan, Lucy, Luke, and Sarah)
Driving with a baby is never fun, but the weekend went surprisingly well. Everyone slept well and behaved as well as could be expected. So it was actually a stress relief to me, rather than a stress causer.