But if not

It's been a hard week.  A hard week in the middle of a hard year.  Tyler's been away in Toronto and Kingston for 8 days. I've had each one of my kids sick, vomiting and fevers, during those 8 days, with Max finly succumbing last night.  And this baby business is just always hard on me.  I'm trying to be good and do good, but it's hard and exhausting.  I was angry on Saturday.  Furious actually. Like out of my mind out of control furious.  I think I scared my kids a bit.  I know I scared Tyler and it scares me too.  

It's always hard in those anxiety filled moments to know I'm being completely irrational, but feeling like I have no control over it.  And then looking back after I've calmed down and feeling shame.  

The day ended better.  We ended up doing Easter eggs with the Larocque's which was a nice break and a nice opportunity to spend time with my dear friends who I miss.  

Amanda and I exchanged these texts afterwards: 

Me to her: 

Thanks for inviting us today.  I really miss you guys.  I know that it's my fault that we don't spend more time together and I really want it to be better but sticking  to my routine helps me to stay somewhat sane...and even then it's questionable.  I remember when we moved to Kingston, Logan was finally getting to the age where I could be little bit more free with my emotions and my time.  We left Cochrane and I didn't have any friends, because I had neglected them for a long time.  And we met you guys and it was the first time in my life that I had real friends who really knew me...and we had so much fun.  And now I'm back in that alone phase and I don't want to lose friends again...especially you guys because you mean more to me than any other friends I've ever had.  So I'm going to keep pushing myself to step outside but I appreciate that you guys keep inviting even though we see each other far less than we ever did before.  And I'm also glad you've made other friends because I want this move to be happy for you guys and I just want good things for you.  

So that's a really long thank you.  

Her to me: 

Thank you for coming. I know it was hard for you. We are always here and if you ever need anything  we will be there for you.  You guys have been the best friends, and the thought of you leaving us in Kingston was so awful. We knew it would be different here, and we've tried really hard to try to make friends.  We don't regret for a moment that we're here and I know it takes a while for you to get out of your after baby slump. We are not going anywhere. We will be here then just like we are now. You guys are like family to us. We love you. 

And Lucy told me that having a peanut butter spoon and blowing bubbles in your chocolate milk makes for the best day ever.  And I needed the best day ever, so I joined her: 

Then it was Sunday...which is typically hard because we're out of routine and it means me having to hold Seth even more than usual, which is hard on my body.  But I hadn't been to church in two weeks and I knew I needed it.  And I fasted.  Partially because I didn't have time to eat breakfast and then I decided it was probably a good idea.  

It was testimony meeting, and I spent most of it in the foyer while my kids sat with grandma and papa.  And Seth didn't really sleep all that well, but I felt the spirit.  Tiny at first.  But it was there and I NEEDED it.  Leslie Thorson bore her testimony about how when things are hard and we feel burdened we need to go back to basics and think about what we KNOW for sure.  I knew she was right but felt a little disheartened because I tried really hard to think about what I know for sure and my heart couldn't grasp anything.  Then I had one tiny thought.  I KNOW I am a child of god.  Whatever else slips away, I do know that He exists and that I am his spirit child.  So I just clung to that.  

We had a special joint 3rd hour mtg with our Bishop and he talked about getting remotivated for missionary work in our ward and unity.  And I thought about how successful missionary work had been in Kingston and how unified that branch is and I felt it.  I felt something.  And it felt good to feel something other than despair.  

Max had his baptismal interview after church which meant waiting around for a bit with a tired baby, which is hard, but it was good.  And I was able to welcome someone I didn't know.  Which also felt great.  We came home and I had to immediately put Seth to bed so te kids were on their own for making lunch, and they did it .  They even made me a salad and the. Remembered I was fasting so they put Saran Wrap on it and out it in the fridge for later.  

They're so thoughtful.  They've worked really hard to be helpful this weekend, knowing I needed it.  

I read a talk by Elder Holland called 'Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments' about sexual purity.  Not really an area I need any work in, but it is a fantastic talk.  And I felt the spirit while I read it.  And in his beautiful way, Elder Holland reminded me the importance of life and the body and creation and this partnership I have with my husband and my Heavenly Father in procreating.  And the deadly and negative thoughts I had had on Saturday felt so shameful on Sunday.  I know my life has worth, even if it seems boring and like a daily battle.  And I know my little Seth's life has worth, even if right now he's just a lot of work without much payback.  

We hadn't planned on it , but we decided to go to the Easter Fireside that evening, even though it meant being outbid routine more and having to hold Seth a lot more.  I was feeling good and I didn't want it to end. And I knew the spirit would be there .  So we went.  And it was amazing.  

I will write more about that in another post.  I know that this is a struggle.  And I can hear my baby fussing right now when he's supposed to be sleeping which causes my body to fill with anxiety, but I can be faithful , even if things don't go well.  Not just in good times.  I hope.  I hope I can.  It's hard .  But I hope I can .