My house is tidy-*ish*; I'm prepared for my presidency meeting tonight; I have a list of things that are still remaining to be done for the week, but at this point all is still; Max is asleep; Lucy is at school; Tyler's at work; and I'm checking on my blog buddies...it's quiet. And all I can think about is: "In 5 weeks, my world is going to tip on it's end...what have I done?"
I have had moments in the last week of terrible gripping fear that I've somehow ruined my life. Does that feeling make sense to anyone else? I have two children, who I think are perfect...especially when I'm blogging, and they're sleeping and at school and not right in my face screaming, or worse yet, in each other's faces screaming. Point is, two children - they sleep through the night - EVERY NIGHT! Naps are nearly a thing of the past (Have I ever mentioned I hate dealing with naps?...I love the silence and civility it brings, but getting the kids there and working your whole life around it is annoying). Diapers are almost a thing of the past. Baby food, burping, bottles...all a thing of the past, and yet it is rushing up so quickly into my present that it's making me nervous. Maybe taking 3 years between these ones rather than two was a bad idea. I've gotten comfortable. I never got comfortable between Lucy and Max - there was no time, and I thought, that's crazy, give yourself time. Now I'm thinking...are you crazy?!?! You had time! I had some of these desperate thoughts creep into my mind in the middle of the night and had to quickly say a prayer to ask Heavenly Father to whisk them away so I could get some sleep and not panic...which he did, thankfully. I try not to indulge them, because they lead to no where good...but sometimes...
I just feel like I will miss the quiet. Ironically the quiet of a two and four year old, if you can really call that quiet. I have this big plan to just 'go with the flow' on this one. No panics. No worries...just let it be. Good thinking...I just hope it works.
2 comments:
I can completely relate to you on this post as Josh and Caitlyn are 4 years apart!! He was pretty independent and I just kept worrying about dealing with all the baby stuff and losing myself in mommyhood again. And then she was here. And nothing else really mattered because she was so precious and new and we'd waited so long for her.
I totally hear you!!!!! I constantly think "what have I done" with having a 4th. It terrifies me. I still have 6 1/2 months left but man, am I scared. I have a little while to get used to it cuz there is no going back but there is still hope for all of us!!!!!
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