March 23rd

Matthew 26; 27; 28:1-10; D&C 19:16-19

Share your feelings about the Savior's atonement.

So it was a lot of reading today.  One of the things that first struck me in the Matthew account was Judas.  The 30 pieces of silver that he takes for betraying the Savior is cross-referenced to the same value required to pay someone for the manservant or maidservant if they are killed, according to mosaic law.  I'm sure you could go deep with that thought, but I just found it interesting that the Savior was bought for the amount of money someone of no status or right could be bought if they were accidentally killed.  Not much value there.

It later describes how Judas tried to give the money back and the Priests used the money to buy a lot outside the city to bury strangers.  Again, something of little or no worth.

In this reading, my favourite is the D&C account because it talks specifically about how the Savior not only suffered for our sins and temptations (which I definitely need) but also for our pains, sorrows, infirmities, etc.

I suffer from chronic lower back pain and have for about a dozen-or-so years.  I have often told people that it is the worst kind of pain I have ever experienced.  I have given birth to 3 children.  I have dealt with migraines and dental pain and ovarian cysts.  But nothing is a crippling to me as back pain...and it's chronic, as I said, so it never really goes away.  It racks my entire body and affects my entire life.  It's frustrating sometimes when I know I have to limit myself and my activities because of it.  Can I go skating today with my kids?  No, my back is feeling weak.  Can I help my husband move that furniture around?  No.  Can I sleep in a hotel bed on a holiday?  Possibly, but I need to bring my own pillow and make sure I do yoga morning and night and never lounge in bed for too long.  Long car rides are always a matter of question for me.  The food I eat, the shoes I wear, the hobbies I choose.  All of it.  I used to make jewelry, but it affected my back bending over working with small tools, so I stopped.  I took up crocheting recently, but I can only do it in small doses, otherwise...I play piano, and even that has been compromised by back pain.

As I mentioned.  This past weekend we were in Toronto.  Sleeping in a hotel bed.  Driving long distances.  Tyler stayed in Toronto for meetings, and the kids and I drove home alone Sunday evening.  When I got home, I went about my normal routine.  Monday morning got the kids off to school, did some groceries and went to the post office, then went home and jogged 2 miles on the treadmill and did my yoga.  These two things are necessary almost every day to avoid back problems.  I sat down to lunch with my son and as I got up to take care of our dishes, zing.  My back.  Who knows what the trigger was.  Maybe it was sitting cross-legged while we ate.  Maybe it was bending over, mid-jog to help Logan zip up his Incredibles costume.  Maybe it was the busy weekend away from home.

Like I said, I've dealt with back pain for years, but I cannot remember a time that was excruciating as this.  On Tuesday I was flat out on my back...all day.  I got up at one point to get Logan some lunch, because the kid still needs to eat, and in my attempt to go from a standing position to a laying down position on the living room carpet, my back seized so harshly that I screamed out in pain.  I was stuck, half-sitting, half laying, panting and sobbing because I couldn't move to get out of the position, and I couldn't relax my muscles.  Logan rushed to my side, scared out of his mind and sobbed beside me while I tried to figure it out.  I finally forced myself to lay down, not knowing what damage I was doing.  The two of us cried for a good long time.  He finally calmed down and said, "I didn't know mommy's could cry."  Broke my heart.  I had to reassure him that I was ok.  That I would BE ok and that it was just pain.  Needless to say he was my shadow for the rest of the day, never more than a foot away.  Sometimes uncomfortably close, but I couldn't deny him and his scared little soul.

I determined that I needed to pick my kids up early from school because I knew I wouldn't be able to walk across the entire school yard at the end of the day.  The distance from the parking lot to the office is much shorter.  So Logan helped me (for 5 minutes) to get my boots on my feet, and we headed to the school.  I baby-stepped my way from the van to the office, asked for my kids and waited in pain while they got their stuff together and came downstairs.  Then baby-stepped back to the van.  When we got home, I had to sit in the van and figure out how I was going to get out, because my back had spasmed again.  I couldn't put either foot down on the ground because of the height of our van.  After a few minutes I wiggled my way out and baby-stepped into the house, laid down on the living room carpet after the kids helped me get my boots off and passed out for 20 minutes.  As I sat in my van, trying to figure out how to get out, I thought about my scriptures in D&C (long story finally getting to the point) and how the Savior suffered our pains and infirmities as well and I was humbled.  To think that He was suffering for all the afflictions, sins and temptations of ALL mankind...and then to add my back pain on top of it.  Not just this instance, but every instance that I've experienced back pain?  Plus the millions of other people who have probably experienced the same?  Plus any other form of pain, sickness, heartache, depression, you name it, that anyone has ever felt?  Humbling is insufficient.

When I experience back pain, I am needy and so grateful to my husband and kids who help me...but after a day or so, the pain works on my nerves and I get impatience.  I find it difficult to keep my cool and not snap at people.  And I know that my Savior suffered all those things and still remained perfect.  Still descended BELOW ALL and never grumbled, murmured, cursed, bemoaned, or even had an unkind thought.

I am grateful to know that someone else knows exactly how I feel.  I am grateful that when I call upon our Elder's Quorum president, that he comes quickly with another friend to administer to me because my husband is away on business.  I am grateful in that blessing that I am reminded how much my Heavenly Father loves me and is aware of this trial.  And I grumble and complain and try to be patient through it...falling so short of my Savior.  I am grateful to Him.  How could I cope with anything that I go through in my life, without the knowledge that He has felt it too, and knows.  That he loves me enough to want to know from experience and not just by divine wisdom what I feel.  What things make my heart ache.  What things make me cry.  What things frustrate me.  What things hurt me.  What things tempt me.  He knows it all, because He felt it all too.  And so I feel like I can do this thing.