To my daughter

I'm writing today for Lucy...

I struggle day to day at being a mother.  Most of my struggles are in my head.  But the lines on my face and the grey in my hair show that I struggle.  I struggle with exhaustion.  Self doubt.  Frustration.  Anxiety.  Panic attacks.  Mood swings.  I struggle the most when I have a baby.  Which I do now.  I know it gets better because it HAS gotten better 3 other times...and that's what I cling to some days.  The years are so fast but the days are so long.  I get mitred down in the monotony of routine.  But I stick to routine because I panic when things are spontaneous.  

I'm physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually exhausted.  But I will say this and hopefully it'll mean something.  I still pray.  Every day.  I plead.  And I know the answers are there.  I still know my father loves me and I hang on to that so I can get through this.  I also know that Satan is very aware of this struggle in me and tries to manipulate my thoughts.  So I pray.  

And the greatest blessing is your dad.  I know the Lord pointed me to him for this very reason.  He supports me like no one else could.  And I'm grateful he's mine.  

Lucy, be prayerful when you choose a spouse.  There are many who will make you laugh and will bring you happiness...you need someone who will support you when you struggle.  Someone who can see YOU.  And be that person for them.  Never let a current problem or grief lead you to forget who they really are.  And support them for who they really are, and not for what this physical world shows them to be.  

That's all.  

And Lucy, if you struggle like I struggle, know this:  I will be there for you.  I will help you through it.  And you will get through it.  But my biggest prayer and hope is that this will not be your burden.  

I love you.  

Mom

This is today

When I don't have babies I thrive on busy days.  As long as they don't happen every day.  Let's be honest.  But a busy day + a baby equates to major anxiety for me.  There were multiple moments that included tears today.   A quick prayer in the morning helped to calm the nerves and the tears ended up being at more appropriate times.  

Logan had a field trip to Cochrane Ranch this morning.  

Lucy participated in her school talent show this afternoon.  She performed to an audience of two grandma's, two parents, 3 brothers, and an auntie Sarah...plus 800 other students...and she did great! 

We skipped out at intermission so we could get home and change and put Seth down for a nap so the 5 non-babies could go to Cirque de Soleil Kurios.  It was awesome!  And the ever generous grandma B babysat Seth so we could.  

My boys are so handsome.  

The show was amazing and the kids loved it.  

Then we headed to BPs for a bite to eat and balloon animals:

We made the drive home quickly as it was getting late and my relaxing evening was threatening to turn into a pumpkin with the approach of my anxiety...

And I returned home to a boy who was glad to see me and a mom who is the best.  Smiles all around.  

We finished the evening with last minute touch ups to the Kub Kar.  She's ready to race tomorrow!  

That's today.  Now we sleep in preparation for tomorrow, which includes some promised cirque reenactments by the kids and a rally. 

Climbing Mountains

Today was the last day of our 4-day weekend.  I love weekends.  I live for weekends.  Especially long ones.  And every weekend I am convinced that I can't wait till it's summer.  This is our last long weekend until the summer.  Who planned that?  

Anyway, these things are beside the point.  This weekend was wonderful not only because it was long, but also because it was monumental.  

We have been reading the Old Testament as a family for just over 2 years.  It's been a long, hard haul.  We started it the day after we finished reading the Pearl of Great Price, which we started the day after we finished the Doctrine and Covenants, which...we started the day after we finished the Book of Mormon.  We've done a really good job of reading most days.  Really good.  But the last 2 years have been long.  We were really feeling the need to get back to the Book of Mormon and the spirit it carries with it for our family.  But we also didn't want to give up on what we were doing.  So that brought us to the decision to attempt an Old Testament Marathon to finish this weekend.  

We set up a schedule and a reading chart.  We planned break-time activities, snacks, and stickers.  And we prayed we'd stay on task.  

It was hard.  But everyone was motivated.  And when one person would get unmotivated, another would encourage.  

And just like the last 2+ years, the last 2+ days were long and hard.  We were in Ezekiel 11 when we began our marathon.    We read on average about a page every 3-4 minutes.  Friday we read 70 pages, 40 chapters.  We broke it up with a trip to the Red Park and DQ.  Plus we had Little Sarah's bday party that evening which the kids really enjoyed.  

Saturday it was hard to get back in it.  We averaged a bit less but pushed hard in the evening and got to Zechariah 4, which left us with only 14 more chapters for Sunday. 

Sunday we finished Zechariah in the afternoon and on the way to grandmas for a hot tub and then read Malachi on the way home.  

I have to admit I got a little teary in the last few verses of Malachi 4.  We got home and took a picture in front of our completed chart and all 3 kids said: 'this is the best day ever!' 

We climbed a spiritual mountain this weekend.  How many 10, 8, and 5 year olds can say they've read all this volumes of scripture?  We will get to the New Testament eventually and complete the Standard Works...but for now we return to our friend the Book of Mormon.  

As a reward for their hard work this weekend, we decided to climb a physical mountain as well.  So we headed to Kananaskis country with family and friends and hiked.  It was a beautiful day in the backyard of Alberta.  

Logan was really excited about our day in the mountains and came bounding into our room with a huge grin on his face.  

Dad: 'Logan, you know we can't go to the VERY top of the mountain, right? 

Logan: 'yeah, cuz it's too pointy right?'

It was a beautifully exhausting day.

I spent much of it wearing my baby jewelry: 

Watching this guy: 

We finished at this natural spring waterfall which was so beautiful.  We rested for about 45 minutes and then made the trek back which was also exhausting.  Sore muscles!  But oh so fun.  

We even saw a wild bear!  

(And this guy did so good). 

Guilty pleasure

So most days Tyler is responsible for getting Logan to school on his way to work.  And I pick him up.  It works out well with Seth's napping and most days it's easy.  Today, Tyler had to be at work early so he couldn't drive Logan and it was up to me...and I copped out.  I totally kept him home because I have a birthday party to get ready for and knew I needed Seth to sleep well.  

Most days Logan is totally on board with skipping school and we usually have to convince him to go.  But for se reason today he really wanted to go and I really didn't!  So I promised (read: bribed) him with a fun day with mom to stay home.  

Guilty.  

So we got ready quickly and headed to the park first where we played some imagination game he invented that involved squids and pirates and steering the ship.  And Seth sat in a swing.  Then we followed a treasure map home to check for treasure (in the form of checking the mail).  There was only an invisible note written with invisible ink.  (Read: empty mailbox).  Logan decoded our notes while Seth and I ate cereal.  

The blue star

Magic potion

Below the cliff

What does it mean?  Who knows, but we did some Science experiments to figure it out.  

Once our experimenting was complete Seth went for a nap and Logan and I played cards and made paper airplanes.  

We fed Seth and ate French fries.  

Then he set up a car wash in the sink while I got food ready for the party.  

We flew airplanes and made another treasure map.  

And now he gets a few minutes of iPad time while I put the last touches on the party while Seth sleeps again.  It's been fun and exhausting but I definitely don't feel guilty.  We'll see if that lasts when Tyler gets home.  

It was a lot better than sitting and watching tv or doing chores all day.  We had super fun and I'm glad.  It's ok to miss school for that, right?